The Royal Pains
by Doom Marine
Summary: In this series, Cake Mix, our unlucky mane character, switches bodies with ALL of the royals in the show. In this series of one-shots, Cake here finds many reasons why being royalty sucks. Whether it's weddings, being forced to attend Nightmare Night, feeding an entire race, raising from the dead, or even becoming Twilight! What luck he has. Rated T for... Teeness?
1. Love of Cake (1-3)

**The Royal Pains: The Wedding Cake**

**Chapter 1: Cake's side of the story**

**Who can guess some of the references I used in here? If you do, you get one free internet!**

**-THIS IS A LINE!-**

"Oh, there's a magic mirror pool you said. You have to go see it you said... What you DIDN'T say was where it was!" Cake shouts, trotting through a dense forest.

He grumbled once or twice, glaring at the trees as each one passes him by. He blew up, as his hair went into his face and continued walking.

"Just point the way why don't you. Don't even BOTHER mentioning where or what I'm looking for!" He shouts again, traveling deeper in, nearing a cave entrance.

More like a hole in the ground.

Which he failed to notice.

He was about to rant once more, only to fall down the hole he hadn't watched out for and tumbled all the way down. Hitting various rocks, bumps, and plants along the trail.

"Oof!"

"Eek!"

"Gah!"

Finally, he hit's the bottom of the crevice. Around him, a dark, but beautiful, cave. The crystal clear pool ahead of him emanating some sort of harmonious light, as if to draw in the stallion.

Shame he was knocked out, or else he'd be in awe.

**Timeskip (Pretend to listen to the whole theme song)**

"Nng..." Cake groaned out, slowly opening his eyes, to see the area around him.

As mentioned before, beautiful pool blah, blah, blah.

Cake let his jaw drop at the sight before him, letting himself take in the effects of the cavern. It truly was mesmorizing.

Cake looked at the pool before him, a glint unseen in his eyes and he began to think to himself.

More like talk out loud.

"Cake. I think we found it! More Cakes here I come!" He shouts, raising both hooves in the air.

Like he just don't care.

"Woohoo!"

He jumps into the pool, not knowing something was happening, and begins to swim around in a happy manner.

He completely forgot Pinkie's advice.

_"Now Cake, you have to remember! You have to say blah, blah, blah, blah... are you even listening to me?!" _Memory Pinkie shouts to him, causing him to blink rapidly.

"What?!" He screams out, letting some of the pool water in his mouth.

He coughs it out and begins to swim to edge of the pool, an odd feeling in the pit of his stomach. He reaches the edge rather quickly and attempts to pool himself out.

Only to pause for a moment. "Pinkie? How'd you get in my head?" He asks, holding on to the edge, looking blankly ahead.

_"I dunno. You were just thinking of me and poof! Here I am!"_ Memory Pinkie says excitedly, eliciting a groan from Cake.

"Great. Now I have you in my h..." Was all Cake got out before dropping to the ground.

_"Cake?"_

_"CAKE?"_

_"CAKE?!"_

Retry?

Quit?

**Elsewhere**

"I have to stop fainting liking a wuss..." Says a mare, laying in bed next to a stallion.

"Hnnng... What was that hun?" The stallion yawns and says, rolling over to face the mare.

The mare went emotionless for a second, staring at the blue maned unicorn, before bursting into laughter. "Bahahaha! It sounded like you called me hun! Bahaha!" She says, clenching on to the sheets, her laughter echoing in the chambers around her.

"I... did... Are you alright Cadence?" He asks

The mare stops her laugh, and gave him a deadpanned expression. "You're kidding me right? Dude come on, jokes over." She says, doubt pooring into the back of her head.

"Dude? Oh... I get it. You're nervous about today!" He says, a smile forming on his face as he places his right hoof on her shoulder.

"Of course, I would be too, seeing as how it's our wedding and all!" He adds, pulling the shocked mare into a romantic embrace.

She just sat there, her face going from that of joyous laughter, to 'oh my Celestia! What the buck is going on?!'

So... she did the only thing she could think of after trying to process information like this.

Scream like a little filly... which is really close to the truth right now.

"Heheh. Come on dear, it isn't that bad! Besides, Twily's going to be there. Remember?" The stallion says, attempting to calm down the screaming mare.

An attempt that went right over her shoulder.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-!" Her scream was interrupted with a kiss from the stallion.

Well. It did two things successfully.

It shut up 'Cadence'.

And.

It made her spit out uncontrollably.

The stallion laughs at her behaviour and gets out of bed. "Well Cadence, I have to patrol the tower. I'll see you again before the wedding." He says, shaking his head at his fiancé.

He leaves the chambers, leaving behind a mare frightened beyond belief. She quickly began scrambling off of the bed, looking for a mirror of sorts.

Wow.

Who places one... RIGHT next to a bed... kind of creepy... waking up with somepony staring back at you... Ugh...

She looks into the mirror, and indeed, she was no longer that fun loving tannish-orange stallion. She was now a pink furred, multi-colored mane wearing uni... wait... are those wings?!

"OH DEAR CELESTIA! I'M A FRICKEN ALICORN?!" She shouts out, shoving her hooves to her mouth and begins to chew at them nervously, clippings flying everywhere.

Her scream, drew the attention of the guards standing outside of her chambers.

"Are you alright your higness?!" The grey one shouts, worry clearly written over his face.

'Cadence' turns towards him, her left eye twitching, and gives him the most unwelcoming of frowns. "DOES IT LOOK LIKE I'M ALRIGHT?!" She shouts, pointing her hoof in a blaming manner.

The white guard that was to the right of them, leans over to the grey one and whispers into his ear. _"I think it's her 'time' of the month."_ He says quietly, receiving a small nod from the other.

'Cadence' clasped her hooves over her face and screamed into them.

Something about 'buck', 'straw', 'hay', and... oh dear... 'the shoving of hooves up one's flank'.

'Cadence' let's go of her face, and angrily stomps up to the smaller stallions, causing them to flinch a bit. She looks at the grey one dangerously, before speaking in a highly unamused tone. "Who. Am. I?" She simply puts.

The grey unicorn guard gulps nervously, before doing a bearing check. "Ma'am. You are Princess Mi Amore Cadenza. Cadence to your friends. Ma'am." He says, giving a curt salute.

Apparently? This was NOT the answer she was hoping for.

"MOTHER BUCKING, STRAW EATING, FLANK SWATTING, TEET SUCKING, SON OF A WHORSE!" She shouts out in the Royal Canterlot Voice, causing the two guards before her to tremble.

Well. The grey one stayed.

The white one? He ran out of the room screaming like a filly. Just like how she did moments ago!

'Cadence' flared her nostrils and grabbed the remaining stallion by the collar. "WHY?!" Was her only question.

The guard stared back at her and thought to himself.

_"It's been a good life... I just wish there was somepony to tell my wife I love her..._"

"Ma'am... I don't know wh-" Was all he got out, before the mare used her rage induced strength and chucked him out of the chambers' windows.

Straight into a pillow stand that was selling great pillows at low prices!

So, in other words? He's fine and he get's to tell his family he's ok!

Back with 'Cadence'.

She was now on the ground, talking to herself madly.

"This... this is just some sort of... jacked up nightmare! Yeah! That's what it is! Any moment now... ANY MOMENT... and I'll wake up..." She says crazily, closing her eyes tightly. Only to open them and be in the same room as before.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!"

**Another Timeskip~**

"Cadence, I know you've been... 'not in the mood' ... but I really think you should calm down. You looked like you were about to shout at my sister back there!" Shining Armor said, raising his voice just a notch.

"She shook... her flank... IN MY FACE!" She shouted back, causing him to shrink a little.

Proves who's the one wearing pants in this relationship.

**Meanwhile**

"I say. That is a simply dashing co... co... ACHOO!" Fancy Pants said, trying to complement the stallion in front of him. Only to sneeze on him instead.

**Back with 'Cadence'**

She is now storming away from the stallion, her eyes growing darker every passing moment.

Shining gives a sigh, and a familiar guard leans to him nervously. "U-um... sir? Your fiancé... she's in her time of the month." He says quickly, and begins to look around half expecting her to jump at him.

Nothing came, so the stallion gives a sigh and waits for his superior's response.

"I know... it's just... I don't think she's doing this on accident." Shining says sadly, watching the retreating form of 'Cadence'.

**Yet ANOTHER Timeskip**

"Why am I even doing this..." 'Cadence' mutters to herself, before walking in the royal kitchen. Several ponies bowing to her while the rest are working.

A particular orange earth pony trots up to the faux-princess giving off a wide smile as she does so. "Howdy there Princess Mi Amore Cadenza!" She says, tipping her baker's hat a tid bit.

The alicorn stopped, and stared blankly at her for a moment.

Twilight, watching this ordeal with a glare, leans in.

"Dude, just call me Cak... er... Cadence, man." She says, an error in her words causing Twilight's ears to perk up a little.

"Um. Sure thing Princess Cade-" The orange mare starts to say.

"Cadence. Say it with me now. Cay-de-nce. None of that 'Princess' straw. Alright?" She says, rolling her eyes as she interrupts her.

"O-okay. Pr... Cadence. Well... I'm, er... I'm Applejack and I'm gonna be bakin yer snacks!" Applejack says, regaining her confidance as she pulls out a small looking green cupcake.

'Cadence' raised an eyebrow before picking it up with her hooves.

Something, that Twilight noted. Usually, she'd use her magic to lift things... _"Hmm..."_ She ponders to herself, a scowl growing slowly on her face.

"So... you want me to... eat this?" 'Cadence' asks, inspecting the small pastry.

An 'mhm' erupted from Applejack, which was all 'Cadence' needed. She popped the small thing into her mouth.

Her mouth probably just gave a mouth-gasm, but her pride denied her the fact.

"Oh... so... good..." She muttered quietly, trying to hold back the shivers.

"What was that Cadence?" Applejack questioned, tilting her head to the right.

The alicorn blinked a couple of times and stared at the mare again before speaking. "Oh. Uh... They're... they're fine." She says, trying to sound snooty-like.

It worked, and surprisingly, Applejack didn't notice.

Twilight did, just not Applejack.

"That's great! Here, take this small bag that's filled with 'em. Think of it as, uh, a sort of wedding present!" Applejack says with a smile, producing a small brown bag.

'Cadence' gives only a nod, takes the bag, and turns around.

On her way to the door, she thinks to herself. _"Can't have ponies see me stuffing my face... it'll ruin whoever I am's image."_ She then tosses the bag into a garbage can, albeit a bit sadly of course.

Twilight saw this and gave a scoff.

**AGAIN WITH THE TIMESKIPS!**

"Kill. Me. Now." 'Cadence' said, staring at the pink dress in front of her, the white unicorn who made it staring at her expectantly.

"Soooo? What do you think? Because, I simply think it's you darling." She said, indicating towards the dress.

"No." Was her only answer.

"No? What do you mean?" The unicorn asked, giving her a confused glance.

"I'd rather shoot my self in my womb and bleed out then wear that." Was what she wanted to say, however here's what came out of her mouth.

"It's... just not my color." She simply states, her eyes glancing between the unicorn and the dress.

"I think it's beautiful." Colgate, one of the bridesmaids exclaimed with a confidant smile.

"I do too." Lyra, the second of the three said afterwords.

"It's cute!" Ditzy, the final bridesmaid stated, her bubbly remark eliciting a giggle/manly chuckle from 'Cadence'.

She suddenly gave an 'ehem' and turned back towards the unicorn.

"No."

A few (47) minutes later, the two came to an agreement.

"Darling... are you sure? I mean, a tuxedo would be smashing on a stallion, but..." Rarity began, only to lower her voice to nothing.

"Yup. Tux. Blue. No take backs. I like it. Get it done. I'm out." 'Cadence' said, a bit fast for anypony to understand, but Rarity knew what she meant. She suddenly leaves the room, leaving everypony (including the bridesmaids) to themselves to ponder on what had transpired.

Twilight's scowl grew three sizes that hour.

**One Million Facehooves Later**

"Why am I even going through with this?! I mean seriously... I have to get my body back somehow!" 'Cadence' says to herself, drawing some attention to her.

Luckily, everypony thought she was on her period so... Yeah. Nopony bothered her about it.

Here she sat, on a park bench close to the castle. Alone.

"I hate my luck right now." She said sadly, lowering her muzzle to the wooden seat.

"There you are!" A voice said loudly, interrupting 'Cadence's thoughts.

She sits up suddenly, turning towards the voice.

The grey stallion from before.

"WHAT?!" She shouts, glaring at him.

Thankfully, he has the gonads to say this.

"The wedding, your higness. It's starting." He says, his pupils shrinking to pins as the mare gets up and literally rips the bench from it's nailed location and threatens him with it.

"I. Do. Not. Nor. Will. I. EVER. Give. A. Single. STRAW!" She screams, hitting the stallion, causing him to fly towards, yet another, pillow stand.

She drops the bench and begins to grumble.

"Ugh... I hate being the good guy." She says to herself.

**One Final Timeskip**

"And Cadence, you will stand here." Celestia's page said, pointing her hoof down at an area.

_"Starting my flank! It's just the practice run..."_


	2. Sun Burned Cake (1-4)

**The Royal Pains: Cake Baked for a Queen... er... Princess! Part 1 - 4**

_The Alicorn Amulet can't be worn by a mere Earthen Pony, for if it were to lock around the unlucky soul's neck, they would forfeit their body for a greater being. Their soul would transcend space time-_

Cake read aloud from the old book he had found in the Castle Ruins. He had spent hours here for little to no reason but of boredom. Seemed legit enough for him, but why would Twilight be here again?

Oh right... to study the knowledge of old or whatever.

Anyhoo, he had spent the last twenty minutes rummaging around the castle, accidentaly setting off a few traps and opening secret passageways.

None he went through of course, he didn't pay attention to what he did.

However, when the bell was about to strike midnight, he fell down a stairwell after a step had creaked and made him jump... downwards. When he had finished falling, and had quite the bump on his head, he looked at where his descending had taken him.

An grimy old room with a pedestal in the center. A single worn book sat atop it. He had approached it, stepping on a few pressure plates here and there, but none seemed to do anything.

**-Meanwhile, with Twilight-**

"How is this happening?!" She screamed out, warrior knight statues swinging down their mighty axes as she ran past each one.

**-Back with Cake-**

After a total of twenty odd plates pressed, he had finally reached the old book. Nothing really seemed special about it, just that it was dusty as all Tartarus, so he didn't think is was a crime against all of Equestria to pick it up.

Oh by all means, this was the worst thing he could have done.

Well, today at least.

A bright flash of light began emanating from the book, successfully blinding Cake. He dropped the book in a panic, and to cover his eyes, and waited for it to die down.

"Gah!" He screamed, after the light died, he began to ferociously rub at his eyes. They had an annoying tingle to them, but he stopped after a little.

He opened an eye and stared down at the book, the title was smeared, so it was impossible to tell what it could be about.

"And there's only one way to find out." He said to himself, once again picking up the dusty thing.

He opened it to the first page, it being cleaner than the outside, held the title.

"Lores, Legends, and Creatures." He read aloud, posing a thinking look for a second, he shrugged and flipped it to page two.

He read quietly, sitting on the floor he once stood upon, and on the final pressure plate he hadn't touched.

**-One more time with Twilight-**

She had calmed down after the statues came alive and tried decapitating her, and is now found in an old library of sorts. Many more books, none of course like the one Cake had found, and not a statue in sight.

She had her back against the wall as she read four books at once, with the help of her magic of course, and certainly did not expect what was to come.

Suddenly, the wall she sat in front of roared like a cannon and turned violently, forcefully pushing her into a secret room.

Full of spells and enchantations.

Her eyes grew wide at the sight, and a huge grin exploded on to her face.

What she didn't think of at the time, was how the hay is she supposed to get out?

**-Back with Cake-**

After reading close to thirteen passages, Cake had discovered there's a lost civilization called Manelantis. A city deep under the sea that lies between Equestria and the Bad Lands.

Not that he really cared though.

He read about creatures known as humans and how they walked on two legs. Unatural!

Once again, he didn't care.

There were bits and pieces of how there was a great god king who ruled the lands, who was kind to every race, even the changelings. That his three daughters were to take after him, only to fail and lead to the great wars. It read that the god king sacrificed himself and made those who warred with each other forget who they once were, and now sat atop three separate thrones.

Which Cake honestly could care less. He didn't come here for a history lesson, he just wanted something to read!

Finally, after reading what Cake assumed were useless stories, he came across something he's seen before. At a weird looking thrift shop up in Canterlot.

The Alicorn Amulet.

Which is where we find him now.

_-and swap their very bodies with one of the current rulers. The curse is-_

"Blah blah blah... to summon the Amulet to the future holder's position, one must say these words aloud under a full moon." Cake read, somewhat bored like.

Unluckily for this foal, it was a full moon tonight.

Something he should have paid more attention too.

"Qui quaerunt vestigia bello, in tenebris est et deduc me in lucem!(*)" He spoke, reciting each word perfectly.

What he didn't realize was that with each word spoken, caused a flash of black light to pour from his neck. When he spoke the final word, he screamed out in a pain he never knew possible.

"MOTHER FUDGING HORSE!" He shouted, clutching his head as a wave of hurt went into his skull.

All in all, think of the worst hangover you've had and times it by... say, 25?

He fell on to his back, rolling side to side screaming and grunting words a rated T story shouldn't have.

After a bit, the pain subsided, and something physical began to form around his neck. He noticed this and his eyes widened in fear.

**-Meanwhile, in that thrift shop he was talking about-**

"Ah, so you know of the Alicorn Amulet?" An odd looking dude wearing a strange hat said to a blue unicorn mare.

"Yes, and I have come to notice it is in your possession, correct?" She spoke, her tone bitter.

"Indeed, but-" He was beginning to say, only for a screeching sound to come from behind him.

He turned around, just as the unicorn looked behind him, and they watched in awe as the amulet itself began to glow.

Then disappear entirely.

"No!" The unicorn screamed, jumping over the counter and looking into the glass case where it once sat.

The dude-guy hadn't moved, he sat and stared blankly at the case, his glasses falling from his face and shattering upon hitting the ground.

Dude, weak glasses.

**-Back with Cake... er... Cake?-**

Cake now lied on his back, staring up into nothingness. A low groan escaping his body, but no words spoken.

A knock sounded from behind him, lifting him from his stupor. He turned to the door, which he didn't know was there, and raised an eyebrow.

How he didn't notice the entire room changed is beyond even the comprehension of Celestia herself.

"Princess Celestia! The book, the book was found!" Sounded a voice from the other side of the door.

Cake tilted his head and looked around for Celestia.

She was here? When did she even...

Cake looked straight into a mirror, and stared at a colorful shimmering mane, and a beautiful white coat.

"Princess Celestia! Quickly, we must retrieve the book before any one else finds it!" It spoke again, more hurriedly than last time.

"Stow it, I'm thinking!" She began tp panic after hearing her own voice. Indeed it was Celestia's, something which shouldn't be possible, but somehow is.

"But Prin-" The voice tried to reason.

"Dude! If you're so worried about the bleeding thing, go find it yourself! I'm busy with my Princess stuff." She yelled at the door, quickly after an earthquake of clattering hooves was heard.

Wow, that actually worked.

She turned back to the mirror and used her hooves to feel her face. Indeed, it was hers, and that, was a bad thing.

"Sweet mother of Ce... Sweet mother of me!" She screamed out


End file.
